I had always been quiet at school – I had friends but dreaded being asked a question in class – my heart would race as the teacher scanned the room. I think it was more than just shyness. I had some good friends but would cycle home 2 miles at lunch rather than eat lunch with them.

I wasn’t the only quiet one by a long way but how would the teacher know I needed help? The teachers didn’t know about social anxiety then.

At university I was quiet – at the time I might have said shy, but I now realise these issues were part of my social anxiety. For a while being quiet wasn’t a problem – I was ok with being the quiet one. As time went on I began to want to avoid some social things though I still went – for me saying no was even harder than enduring the event.

When I got my first job I lived in a shared house and became increasingly aware of how quiet I was, when sat with others. I could rarely think of anything to say. Everyone else seemed to genuinely enjoy socialising and speaking and being together. My tactic of conversing by asking questions and giving short, rather safe replies didn’t feel enough anymore. As I tried to say more it never quite worked, my head was increasingly full of anxiety. I would often test the words in my head before I spoke them – to avoid difficult words or try and make them interesting – it was exhausting and made me very unspontaneous.

I didn’t dare to go to a GP as thought I was the only one who felt such intense anxiety in ordinary situations.

I left the shared house as I wanted to escape and work things through alone. At a new job I had my first mini-panic attack. A large group were sat having a communal coffee when someone asked what had I done that weekend? I wasn’t prepared, everyone seemed to be listening as I kind of stuttered and got really flustered in front of 10 or so people. Panic feelings and extreme embarrassment had happened for the very first time.

I had a desire to face down my fears – surely that could work? I decided to become a teacher – a brave but difficult part of my life. I managed ok – I somehow made friends and even passed the one-year PGCE course but it was very hard – especially when watched by examiners or the children were difficult – the whole being a teacher thing just wasn’t me.

I took a new job in a small office but my symptoms and thoughts were still spinning – what was going on with me? My heart and mind would go into instant mini-panic if the phone rang and I had to talk with everyone listening.

I found the anxiety symptoms very difficult especially when making small talk. I would get tension in my shoulders and neck, racing thoughts, slight blushing, feel hot and have difficulty talking fluently or getting my words out. A kind of internal anguish that often got worse rather than going away. For a long while socialising was more pain than gain.

I think I became “anxious about being anxious” – my hyper awareness of my symptoms actually made them worse. My nervous feelings had somehow spiralled into full blown social anxiety.

I eventually went to a GP and referred on to the district psychiatrist. I explained my symptoms –I said words like “people” and “anxiety” but to no avail. I think he may have prescribed medication but never diagnosed me with “social anxiety” – I don’t think he even knew of it. It was a shame, I could have been helped then, I had already been suffering long enough.

In 1999, I had the internet in my room. Yes Google! I typed “anxious in social situations” and “kaboom” – I found the condition “social anxiety” actually existed! It was such a relief to know I wasn’t the only one that felt like this.

I realised I had become hyper-aware of my own feelings and tensions. My symptoms would begin almost as soon as my brain recognised I was in a difficult situation. I worried how my body language and discomfort might appear to others as well as all the tension I felt within myself. It all fed into an anxiety spiral where all my energy and focus went inward. I would lose softer social skills as all my efforts were focused on managing symptoms whilst pretending to be “ok”.

I searched for help – the only option back then was the pioneering work by Dr Richards at the “Social Anxiety Institute” in Phoenix Arizona. In 2001 I joined a 3 week “international group” with 12 others. A peer group and experienced facilitator. It was brilliant just meeting others with social anxiety and very gently working through behavioural challenges and learning to accept anxiety rather than fight it.

The therapy started just standing at the front of the group for 10 seconds, then a minute, then saying your name, reading a few sentences out loud and so on. There were some outside “exposures” – easy to start with then asking for a refund in a store, going up a down escalator, deliberately asking for something a store hasn’t got, shouting “bob where are you?” out loud in a big supermarket. Deliberately and progressively doing things to bring on some anxiety and realise you still survive. Yes deliberately, gently, slowly, “feeling the fear” and – when ready – “doing it anyway”.

It didn’t “cure” me right then and there – it takes much longer than 3 weeks – but it did teach me life lessons that I used in the future. Just experiencing increasingly difficult situations and learning techniques to cope and manage my feelings was really helpful. I must admit I could have pushed on more quickly, but life is so complex. Depression and tiredness and full-time work made progress difficult. I still found it hard to make friends and find connection.

Small talk or even talking in an open plan office still made me very flustered at times. Talking about work was ok for me but small-talk coffee and lunch breaks could still be the hardest part of the day. I didn’t “warm up” in difficlut situations, in fact the tensions and feelings just got worse. Socialising was exhausting at times.

I went back to my GP and was referred to NHS social anxiety CBT. I saw an NHS therapist who allowed me to talk about my social anxiety and life. Social anxiety still caused me so much depression and loneliness. I think I was lucky – I got to talk with a lot more freedom than some NHS CBT practitioners might normally allow. I was given lots of outside homework, thought records, exposure therapy like talking to a stranger in a queue, or talking to 3 new people each day. It all helped.

I now try to fully engage with the social situations I am in – rather than paying attention to my feelings, I do some gentle lower diaphragm breathing in situations where I still feel anxious. I listen and just try to say what springs to my mind rather than overthinking it or rehearsing what I might say. I am so much better than I used to be but still struggle in my most difficult situations where some of the old symptoms still return.