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Assertiveness: Finding Your Voice and Building Confidence
Many people who suffer from social anxiety also struggle with assertiveness and have difficulty in stating their needs. The fear of being perceived as pushy or drawing attention to oneself may lead to passive communication where individuals prioritize other people’s needs over their own.
Understanding Assertiveness
Assertiveness isn’t about aggression or domination but rather about finding a middle ground where you feel comfortable expressing thoughts and feelings openly and directly while still respecting other people. It can involve being a little bit brave, taking a small risk to say what you really feel, and sometimes just saying “No, I’d really rather not”. It also involves good communication and active listening.
Why people with social anxiety may struggle with assertiveness
• It can be hard to know your own wants/needs when feeling social anxiety symptoms
• Lack of confidence in situations that you find hard
• Feeling compelled to agree with others to avoid conflicts
• Desire to “people-please” to be better accepted
• A memory of bad experiences when they have spoken up previously
• A fear others will say no or not accept what you want
• Underlying beliefs and learnt behaviour
• Not wanting to become the centre of attention.
Key Elements of Assertive Communication
- “I” statements: Try and be clear about your feelings and needs by using “I” statements. For example, “I really can’t do that today” or “I really would prefer”.
- Open body language: Try and make eye contact as you speak and use relaxed postures to convey honesty and openness.
- Clear and direct tone of voice: Try and speak in a clear, steady voice that reflects confidence and determination in your message.
- Timing and listening: Listen to what the other person is saying so you can respond at the right time, in a thoughtful, determined but respectful manner.
Saying No
Sometimes, for our own wellbeing we have to say “No”, for instance when asked or pushed to do something you feel uncomfortable about or that goes against your wants, needs or abilities. It’s not easy, and in some cases it may feel as if we might lose a friend or hurt someone’s feelings. However, sometimes we need to have the skill to gently (or strongly) – say no.
If saying no to a friend, it’s usually appropriate to give a reason, even its just “I really can’t – I am too tired today” or “I am sorry, I have too much on today”. But at other times no reason is required, just say “no” and restate the refusal if needed.
Knowing what we want
Sometimes we need to experiment; part of assertion is knowing what we want or don’t want but it may take a while to get used to stating our wants and needs. Some practice and experimenting with our limits can help.
Challenges with Assertiveness
Remember, whilst we are responsible to state our opinions and needs, we cannot control other people’s reaction to them. Sometimes the uncertainty of others’ response can be scary and might even be discouraging if we receive a negative response.
You may need to manage your own expectations in terms of outcome and be prepared for the fact that the other person may not agree.
Benefits of Assertiveness
Developing assertiveness can help to:
- Improve self-esteem and confidence: Expressing your needs and setting boundaries can empower you and boost your self-esteem.
- More balanced interactions: Appropriately assertive communication can foster mutual respect and understanding.
- Reduce anxiety and stress: Feeling heard and understood can help to alleviate some of the anxiety and stress associated with unexpressed and unmet needs.
- Create opportunities: Appropriately assertive communication can open pathways to connections and situations that more suit your needs and personal growth.
Practising Assertiveness
Take small steps and gradually build your assertiveness skills. Start with small things, practice by saying what you need to say to a mirror, then role-play with a friend or therapist if you have one. It can help to start with low-stakes situations – see our pages on exposure therapy and hierarchies.
Conclusion
For individuals with social anxiety, assertiveness can be really challenging. However, it can be one of the important steps towards overcoming social anxiety and the fear of drawing attention to ourselves. Learning to express ourselves enables us to better meet our own wants or needs, even if it does not necessarily coincide with what other people want. It helps create a sense of self-agency and empowerment, sets healthy boundaries, and fosters more meaningful and authentic connections.
Please also see our page on self-esteem and https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness
Please also see these links to international websites:
https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-can-i-be-more-assertive-when-i-have-social-anxiety-3024311
https://www.amazon.co.uk- Assertiveness Step by Step (Part of the “Overcoming” Series)
