The relationship between self-esteem and social anxiety

Social anxiety and low self-esteem often go hand-in-hand. The fear of being judged or rejected often leads to the feeling you have to hide your true self and your wants and needs. The more you try to hide yourself, the more your confidence may diminish. However, there are strategies to help you overcome these challenges and boost your self-esteem. Here’s a guide to understanding and addressing some of the issues.

Fear of Being Yourself & Signs of Low Self-Esteem

The fear of being yourself is closely tied to social anxiety. It often stems from concerns about being judged or rejected. People who struggle with this fear may:

• Avoid expressing their true feelings or desires
• Feel compelled to agree with others to avoid conflicts
• Engage in people-pleasing behaviours to be accepted

The effect of not being true to yourself can cause persistent dissatisfaction with social interactions. Holding yourself back can be exhausting and can produce overly cautious or passive behaviours. It can also lead to relationships where your needs are never met.

Common signs of low self-esteem include:

• Over-apologising
• Fear of expressing differing opinions
• A strong fear of making mistakes
• Difficulty saying no to requests
• Social withdrawal
• Sensitivity to criticism
• Downplaying achievements
• Believing others are more capable

Possible reasons

There can be several factors that contribute to the fear of being yourself:

1. Learned Behaviour: Early experiences, such as being criticised by significant people in your life, and not receiving approval or experiencing positive outcomes when you expressed your needs or wanted help. Such things can teach you that your feelings don’t matter, or that your opinions should be kept to yourself.
2. Perfectionism: The belief that you must live up to overly high standards set by yourself or others.
3. Fear of Judgment and rejection: Concern that others will not accept you as you are if you express your needs or your true self. Anxiety about being shunned if you don’t conform to societal expectations. Please see our article on Fear of rejection.

The Benefits of Being Your True Self

Embracing your true self has numerous benefits:

• Authenticity: You can express your genuine thoughts and feelings as and when you need to, leading to a sense of self-empowerment.
• Attracting the right people: Being open and able to express your needs attracts like-minded individuals who appreciate you for who you are.
• Reduced social stress: You no longer have to maintain a façade of who you are, reducing the emotional exhaustion it causes. Reduction in cognitive load will also mean you have more energy to do and talk about what you really feel passionate about.
• Better conversations: Saying what you really think leads to new connections and more meaningful conversations.
• Enhanced relationships: Genuine interactions lead to deeper, more meaningful connections.

Strategies to Overcome Fear and Build Self-Esteem

Self-Compassion

When facing problems or trying out new behaviours, be forgiving of yourself as you learn. Try to approach situations with a more self-compassionate and experimental mindset. The idea is that as we try new things, both positive and negative results are valid and equally important. They both inform what works for you and what does not. It helps to forgive yourself for mistakes and setbacks, ups, and see ups and downs as part of a journey.

Affirmations and positive thinking

Research shows that for many people, repeating positive yet realistic statements can help rewire the brain by creating new neural pathways. This neuroplasticity (the ability of the brain to form and reorganize synaptic connections), enables more optimistic thinking patterns to replace negative ones. Here are some helpful affirmations you can repeat to yourself everyday: 100 Powerful Self Confidence Affirmations for Social Anxiety.

Assertiveness

Better self-esteem often means feeling more in control of our life. A big part of this is being able to say no to things that you don’t want, or don’t feel able to do. Again, it’s a fine balance – we want to be positive and be more involved in the world, but we need to recognise when an opportunity doesn’t align with our current wants or needs. If something doesn’t feel right it is an important skill to be able to say no or suggest alternatives. See our article on assertiveness (see link).

Authenticity
Learning it is safe and helpful to openly express your true thoughts and feelings (where appropriate) can give you a sense of empowerment and lead to more genuine friendships and connections. You can start with small changes such as expressing an opinion to people you trust and gradually reveal more of yourself.

Let go of perfectionism and rumination
Things can rarely be perfect in life – especially in social interactions where so many different things can happen quickly. Even though it’s hard, the ability to let go and accept that there will be difficult experiences is a skill we can develop. We need to learn from any genuine issues, but some of the things we ruminate about can be the result of over-analysing. Other people may not have noticed an issue, or even if they did, may not have judged us in the ways we fear.

Learn how to Challenge Negative Thinking
Become more aware of your thoughts and behaviours as you partake in the situations your find challenging. See our pages on Challenging negative thoughts and beliefs

Journalling and Goal Setting

Journalling – writing down thoughts and feelings – can give us a way to reflect and learn from experiences. Sometimes just writing things down brings a sense of relief from difficult feelings and can help you to think about future ways forward. Create a list of the ways you want to move forward in your life. Having a list of future goals helps foster a sense of purpose.

Celebrate Small Achievements

Celebrate even the smallest achievement. The habit of being able to be able to pat yourself on the back can go a long way. It’s about progress for you, NOT comparing yourself to others. Each small step is a step forward, whether it is saying hi to a stranger or talking to the cashier. Write each one down so you can physically see the achievements and progress.

Find Supportive Environments

Reaching out for help when you have social anxiety can be daunting, but it can be worse suffering alone. Most of us need a good support system and community to help us grow. With social anxiety it is easy to think there is something fundamentally wrong with you, but usually it is social anxiety itself limiting the connections, friends and environments we need. See How to make connections when you have social anxiety. You may want to start with joining social anxiety peer groups or communities who share similar experiences with you: Online groups and support.

Also see our page on https://socialanxietyalliance.org.uk/making-progress/ and our other topics within our A-Z of pages.

Conclusion

Building self-esteem while managing social anxiety is a gradual process. By taking small steps and practicing self-compassion, you can gradually improve how you feel about yourself. Remember, the thoughts you have about yourself do not define you as a person: they are thoughts, they are not your forever reality. Your worth should not have to be defined by others’ opinions but more by your own acceptance and appreciation of yourself.

Also see these international links:
On the related issue of fear of being yourself
www.aboutsocialanxiety.com/what-is-the-fear-of-being-yourself
www.aboutsocialanxiety.com/how-to-stop-being-insecure-around-people
www.aboutsocialanxiety.com/how-to-stop-needing-everyone-to-like-you/
On self-esteem
www.psychologytools.com – self help for low-self-esteem/
www.aboutsocialanxiety.com/how-to-increase-your-self-worth
www.aboutsocialanxiety.com/positive-self-esteem