The relationship between self-esteem and social anxiety

Self-esteem and social anxiety are often intertwined, with one influencing the other. Individuals with low self-esteem may be more prone to social anxiety, due to the worry about how others perceive them, difficult personal life experiences, or low confidence in their own abilities.

Conversely, those with social anxiety are likely to have their self-esteem lowered – at least in the situations that cause them difficulty – due to difficult nature of the anxiety symptoms, negative thoughts about their own performance, or fear of negative evaluation by those they are with.

Social anxiety fears and symptoms often lead to the feeling you have to hide your true self and your real wants and needs. It can be hard to just “be yourself” or “accept yourself” when there is so much going on inside. The more you judge yourself, or focus on negative feelings, the more your confidence and self-esteem may diminish further. However, it is definitely not a one-way circle, there are strategies to help you overcome these challenges and boost your self-esteem.

Common signs of low self-esteem include:

  • Over-apologising
  • Fear of expressing differing opinions
  • A strong fear of making mistakes
  • Difficulty saying no to requests
  • Social withdrawal
  • Sensitivity to criticism
  • Downplaying achievements
  • Feel compelled to agree with others to avoid conflicts
  • Engage in people-pleasing behaviours to be accepted
  • Believing others are more capable

Strategies to Build Self-Esteem

Self-Compassion
When facing problems or trying out new behaviours, be forgiving of yourself as you learn. Try to approach situations with a more self-compassionate and experimental mindset. The idea is that as we try new things, both positive and negative results can be equally valid and equally important. They both inform what works for you and what does not. We all make mistakes, that’s how we learn.

Affirmations and positive thinking
When we are in an anxious state it is easy to get distracted and get lost in the thoughts and feelings. Try comforting and calming yourself with affirmations and helpful thinking. Find statements that work for you, they should be positive but realistic, including for when you feel anxious socially:

  • I will focus on the task in hand, not my anxiety
  • I am a good person and trying to do my best
  • I have a right to express myself and say “no”, “I don’t know”, “I don’t understand or even “I don’t care”
  • I have the right to speak my own thoughts opinions, beliefs
  • I accept myself, problems and all, the more I accept myself the stronger I become
  • I can use my new coping skills to calm myself and speak my own truth

For more affirmations please see:
www.socialanxietyinstitute.org – Being myself

www.aboutsocialanxiety.com – 100 Powerful Self Confidence Affirmations

Assertiveness
Better self-esteem often means feeling more in control of our life. If something doesn’t feel right, it is an important skill to be able to say no, or suggest alternatives that are a better fit for your wants and needs. See our article on Assertiveness and social anxiety.

Be Authentic and be Yourself
Try and express honest and real opinions (where appropriate and not rude or offensive to others). Learning it is safe and positive to say what you really think can give you a sense of self-empowerment and lead to more genuine friendships, opportunities and connections. You can start with small changes such as expressing an opinion to someone you trust and gradually learn to share more about your yourself to them, and then others.

Let go of perfectionism
Things can rarely be perfect in life – especially in social interactions where so many different things can happen quickly. Even though it’s hard, the ability to let go and accept that there will be mistakes, times when things do not go well, is a skill we can develop. Other people may not have noticed an issue, or even if they did, may not have judged us in the ways we fear.

It is ok to have some quirks and flaws
Sometimes we fear that if people see our flaws and imperfections and they won’t want anything to do with us anymore. This is what is known as the “big reveal” as described in Ellen Hendriksen’s book about social anxiety “How to Be Yourself”. Everyone has flaws, quirks, imperfections! That’s what makes us human and interesting. Think about people you like, sometimes it’s the little things -special to them – that makes you like them.

Accept your anxiety
This may sound contradictory but learning to accept your anxiety, rather than struggling against it, can actually help you to feel better. Fighting your anxiety just makes it worse. See fight or flight response. Also see our page on grounding techniques and mindfulness.

Learn how to Challenge Negative Thinking
Become more aware of your thoughts and behaviours as you partake in the situations your find challenging. See our pages on Challenging negative thoughts and beliefs.

Journalling and Worksheets
Journalling – writing down thoughts and feelings – can give us a way to reflect and learn from experiences. Sometimes just writing things down brings a sense of relief from difficult feelings and can help you to think about future ways forward. See our worksheets at worksheets for social anxiety.

Goal Setting
Having a plan of the way forward can really help. You are where you are, but things can change. Read self-help books, consider what the NHS offers, try to find news ways to build connections with others (see Find Supportive Environments section below)

Find Supportive Environments
Reaching out for help when you have social anxiety can be daunting, but it can be worse suffering alone. Most of us need a good support system and community to help us grow. With social anxiety it is easy to think there is something fundamentally wrong with you, but usually it is social anxiety itself limiting the connections, friends and environments we need. See How to make connections when you have social anxiety and Social anxiety online groups and support.

Celebrate Small Achievements
Celebrate even the smallest achievement. The habit of being able to be able to pat yourself on the back can go a long way. It’s about progress for you, NOT comparing yourself to others. Each small step is a step forward, whether it is saying hi to a stranger or talking to the cashier. Write each one down so you can physically see the achievements and progress.

Other Help
Please also see our page on making progress . Also our other topics within our A-Z of pages.

Conclusion
Building self-esteem while managing social anxiety is a gradual process. By taking small steps and practicing self-compassion, you can gradually improve how you feel about yourself. Remember, the thoughts you have about yourself do not define you as a person: they are thoughts, they are not your forever reality. Your worth should not have to be defined by others’ opinions but more by your own acceptance and appreciation of yourself.

Also see these international links:
On the related issue of fear of being yourself
www.aboutsocialanxiety.com/what-is-the-fear-of-being-yourself
On self-esteem
www.psychologytools.com – self help for low-self-esteem/