Telephone Calls and Social Anxiety

Phone call anxieties are a very common fear among those with social anxiety. Despite spending most of our time within arm’s reach of our phones, many of us dread actually making a call, taking a call or even just listening to the recorded messages.

Phone anxiety – or telephobia – is the fear and avoidance of phone conversations: both receiving calls or making them. Things can be doubly especially hard if other people can overhear us in work or social situations.

So why do people with social anxiety find phone calls difficult?

A phone call can come out of the blue or when we are not ready or prepared for it
We may get asked a question we weren’t expecting or asked to make a decision we are not ready for
When we initiate a call, we fear we are “bothering” the other person
It’s easy to worry what the other person is thinking of you
We fear we sound boring, unintelligent, odd, nervous or weak
Anxiety may make us mix our words or just fall silent
Fear that we may inadvertently cause offense
The lack of facial expressions or body language – we can’t see if the person is angry or smiling or teasing or questioning
It’s harder to know when it’s your turn to talk or how to end the call
It’s easy to obsess about what we did or didn’t say after the call ends
It’s easy to put off making calls – even important ones
The fact that it’s “just a phone call” can make us feel all the more foolish and lost

When people with social anxiety do talk on the phone, they may experience similar anxiety symptoms as if they were there in person – racing thoughts, tension in muscles, increased heart rate – the all too familiar anxiety feelings even though the other person cannot see us.

Modern life with its texts, emails, social media and instant messaging means that it’s easy to avoid making or taking phone calls. Like so many social anxiety challenges, the less we do, the more doubts and fear can take hold.

What can be done about it?

As anxiety provoking as it is, some phone calls are unavoidable, especially in a workplace or when having to solve an issue that can’t be done online or by email or text.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help you overcome the fear of phone calls by challenging your thoughts and behaviours around them.

Although not directly aimed at telephone conversations there are articles on how to build rapport, keep conversations going and how to end them at www.succeedsocially.com

One of the ways to get more confident when talking on the phone is to practise, although this is easier said than done for people with social anxiety and sometimes it can feel just as hard as the real thing.

Start gently – a few ideas:

Practise talking on the phone with someone who knows about your social anxiety (If you haven’t talked to anyone about your social anxiety please see our page on talking to friends and family. Talking with someone who already understands some of your problems helps you get used to the feeling of talking on the phone – especially if you haven’t done it for a while. You could even call within the same household – go to another room or out in a corridor and practise talking mobile to mobile.
Although it sounds silly, put the phone to your ear and role play simple telephone conversations by talking to yourself (e.g., pretending to call a friend to tell them you’ll be running late). Just saying the words out loud can help you for when you do it for real.
Try some practice calls in some lower risk scenarios. Scenarios where there are less risks if it doesn’t go well.
Some suggestions:
– Ring a shop and ask “can I ask what time you close today?”
– Ring a restaurant and ask if they do deliveries
– Ring a company and ask if they sell a particular item
It may be good to further increase practice in situations with people you know when you are feeling more confident.
– Ring people you know and ask a quick question, with a build-in exercise to keep things short or practice changing subject, small talk, or ending the conversation only.
– Role play more complex phone call situations with a trusted friend
– If something goes wrong, depending on your relationship, you can say ‘sorry I get a bit nervous on the phone’. This can sometimes help you feel better about phone call mistakes that we all make at times.
Have someone for support with you when you make a difficult call. It will need to be someone you trust and knows about your social anxiety and nervousness on the phone. Having such a person can really help.

With all the above, if willing friends or family are hard to find please try our pages on support groups and forums or how to make friends when you have social anxiety

Gradually getting in the habit of using the phone for more and more things, even when a quick email or text might do the job, helps to expose ourselves and lessen anxiety over time.

Boundary pushing

When you feel more comfortable, it can be helpful to gently try push your boundaries to see what happens and get used to different phone call situations.

Some suggestions:

Deliberately mispronounce a word to get used to the flush of embarrassment
Allow a silence and say “I forgot what you were saying” to get used to losing a train of thought and being able to recover
Say something that doesn’t quite make sense to get used to the idea of a miscommunication and wait for the other person to clarify

Phone anxieties are not uncommon

Remember, it’s normal to find phone calls difficult. A 2019 survey of UK office workers found that 40% of baby boomers, and 70% of millennials, experience anxious thoughts when the phone rings[1]. It can be helpful, depending on the person you are speaking to, to try and tell them about your nerves. You could say something like ‘I get a little nervous on the phone’. It is hard to be open and honest, but it can be helpful in some situations.

Thought records

Use one of our example thought record sheets to write down your doubts and fears. Afterwards write down all the positives from the call. What went well? What didn’t go so well? Were things better than you expected? Keep these notes as a log of your journey in overcoming your anxiety and look back on them when you need reassurance.

Further helpful tips

Consider making a hierarchy of challenges to work through. Start with smaller challenges. Go somewhere private if you are just beginning with making more phone calls. This isn’t always easy or possible if you work in a busy office, but taking the phone call away from other people’s ears can reduce some of the pressure. In time you can build up exposure to feared situations and become more comfortable with more difficult situations. See our page exposure therapy and hierarchies.
If the phone call involves a difficult question or decision, consider if it is helpful to ask if you can have some time to think about it. This can stop you feeling forced into decisions you don’t feel ready to make. Consider where it might be helpful to say, “I need to think about this – is it ok if I call you back?”. Having the option of calling back can take the pressure of the call itself.
If you get stuck – consider whether to buy yourself some time e.g. you may want to say something like “my minds gone blank”, “can you remind me where we were?” or “can you say that again as I am not sure what you meant”.
If it’s a practical call – rather than social – it’s often helpful to think what practical questions the person may ask so at least you are a little prepared.
If it’s a medical appointment, might they ask about your symptoms? Is it urgent? Do I need to bring anything?
If it’s an order you are making, they may need mobile phone numbers, availability dates, card or bank payment details etc. Thinking about practical things you need to have to hand helps you feel prepared and have more time for the unexpected questions that may occur.
If you are worried you may be bothering a busy person you could check with them if it is a good time to take a call. However, it is important to hold in mind that other people should be responsible for communicating if they are too busy or not. If they are too busy, try and agree a specific mutually suitable time in the future.

When it’s time to end a call

If it is time to end the call, some phrases than can be helpful depending on the context could be:

Well, I better let you go
I really must go now
It was great catching up
Anyway, take it easy then
Anyway, I really have to go, good talking to you

People may recognise phrases like this mean it is time to end the call. However, be mindful that not all people depending on their own individual norms would recognise this. Consider what would be helpful for your specific situation.

Experiment with the dreaded voicemail

The thought of having to leave a recorded message can be daunting. We may worry we will lose track of our words or sound stupid. It can be helpful to experiment with why the voicemail is daunting. You could experiment with dialling your own phone and let it go to voicemail. Leave a message and then listen back to it. Practice again if you it doesn’t go well at first time and perhaps look at what you may need to focus on – e.g. tone of voice, conciseness etc. How did you come across? Did your worst fears come true? What does this suggest about you and voicemails?

Remember, we all sound super strange to our own ears when we hear the sound of our own voice!

Answering calls

It is harder to create a hierarchy to deal with the fear of answering calls. If you typically avoid answering the phone, one strategy would be to consider who is calling. You could then start by answering calls from people that you are most comfortable with and letting other calls go to voicemail. You could then call them back when you feel more prepared and ready, Eventually, you would progress to answering more difficult calls.

Making Phone calls at work

Making and receiving calls at work can be intimidating for those with social anxiety. Phone calls can be a source of dread if you struggle with this issue, especially in open plan offices where others will hear. Some of the links at the end of this page may help with phone anxiety at work.

Making telephone appointments

Many times, people with social anxiety just take the first appointment that they are offered in order to end the phone call more quickly. However, it is good habit to push your boundaries and ask if other dates and times are available. Sometimes there is, sometimes there isn’t – but it is normal and ok to ask for other options so you get a date and time that works best for you.

Young adults and phone calls

See these external links that may be able to suggest some options www.childrenssociety.org.uk – overcoming-phone-anxiety and https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/smartphones-children-mental-health-teenagers-depression-b2517030.html

Smart phones and social anxiety

Smart phones can provide particular challenges for people with social anxiety. Apart from the fact a WhatsApp, phone or video call can come from the blue there is the all too easy option to use your phone as safety behaviour e.g. doing things on the phone to avoid having to interact with the people you are with.

Remember part of getting better from social anxiety is to push boundaries and drop safety behaviours. It won’t help to just turn to your phone every time you feel anxious. That said, there may be times when you are tired, or overwhelmed and a brief smart phone check of messages etc is an ok temporary option to get ready for re-engaging with the social situation you are in.

Therefore, the reasons around our smart phone behaviour can be key. If we are avoiding or overusing our phone due to social anxiety, this may be something to work on. For example, there is a difference in avoiding our phone because we’re trying to focus on a task, versus avoiding our phone because we are too anxious to respond to calls or messages.

A related smart phone issue involves social media apps. We may either avoid use altogether, worry excessively about each message we send or receive or use such apps to an excessive degree.

If we are someone that struggles with messaging or social media due to anxiety, it could be helpful to work through issues in structured way – see our pages on exposure therapy and hierarchies. Behavioural challenges may include making small deliberate mistakes, less frequent checking, deliberately taking a longer time to respond to messages etc.