Focus outward not inward
For those who struggle with social anxiety, anxious thoughts and feelings are often exacerbated by “self-focus” where attention is directed inward on oneself rather than outward on the conversation or situation at hand. See our pages mindfulness and focus of attention
Accept your anxiety
Learning to accept your anxiety – to focus on the practicalities of the social situation rather than struggling against anxiety symptoms – can actually help you to feel better. Fighting your anxiety just makes it worse. Anxious thoughts, feelings and symptoms can begin to dissipate as you pay less attention to them. Choosing to accept the anxiety, just like you would with emotions you are more comfortable with (e.g. excitement), can help it reduce naturally in the background. See our page on ‘fight or flight‘ activation.
The two techniques above are key but the ideas below may also help some people, in some situations:
Breathing Techniques
Learning how to calm our breathing may help reduce anxiety symptoms. Some breathing techniques can be done “in situ” (in the anxious situation). Others can be done by taking a short break in a quiet space to calm yourself, reset, and start again. See:
www.itsjustafeeling.co.uk – Calm anxiety by learning to breathe from your Diaphragm
www.verywellmind.com – Breathing techniques for anxiety
Slow Talk
When you are asked a question in public or social situation, you do not need to rush. It really is ok to take some time to pause and consider. Anxiety loves it when you feel rushed. Instead, slow your thinking down and then answer using “slow talk”. Slow talk is an idea from Dr Richard’s at the Social Anxiety Institute (SAI) in the USA. The idea is to slow down your speech very slowly – slowing down enough that you notice the change in your speaking rhythm. The change is so slight, however, that others will not notice that you have slowed down. See this link for more information – www.socialanxietyinstitute.org
Divided Attention techniques
Attention-based techniques share the idea that we may only have so much “working capacity” for thought. Focusing on colours, textures, objects, and the feel of your feet on the ground etc may mean there is limited headspace to think about anxiety.
Divided attention techniques do not suit everyone. In many situations the best advice is to completely focus on the social or public task in hand (rather than get distracted or use distraction techniques). However, if it works for you and there is a suitable opportunity, some of the following may help:
• Touch an object or something with an interesting texture
• Sight. Look around and identify 5 things that spark your interest
• Smell. What smells do you notice? Sniff something with a strong smell
• Listen to your surroundings. Take a moment to notice the sounds around you, the sound of a nearby ticking clock, traffic or birdsong
• Savour food and drink. Take time to notice the flavours on your tongue
• The alphabet game. Name something for every letter of the alphabet within any category of subject. This could be animals, people’s names, foods etc
• Draw an imaginary four-sided box in your head. Repeatedly imagine each line joining up the four corners in order
• Focus on different parts of your body. Feel the weight of your clothing on your shoulders, the feel of your back on the chair, the weight and feel of your feet on the floor, or your hands on a table.
Affirmations and helpful thinking
When we are in an anxious state it is easy to get distracted and get lost in the thoughts and feelings. Try comforting and calming yourself with affirmations and helpful thinking. Find statements that work for you, they should be positive but realistic, including for when you feel anxious socially:
• I will focus on the task in hand, not my anxiety
• I am a good person and trying to do my best
• I have a right to express myself and say “no”, “I don’t know”, “I don’t understand or even “I don’t care”
• I have the right to speak my own thoughts opinions, beliefs
• I accept myself, problems and all, the more I accept myself the stronger I become
• I can use my new coping skills to calm myself and speak my own truth
For more affirmations please see:
www.socialanxietyinstitute.org – Being myself
www.aboutsocialanxiety.com – 100 Powerful Self Confidence Affirmations
Body language and eye contact
Sitting or standing more upright sends signals to your brain that you are strong and an equal part of the situation (social or otherwise). Yes, we sometimes feel like we want to hide socially but maintaining good body language and eye contact may help remind ourselves of our self-worth. If eye contact feels hard – look at the middle of someone’s face, they won’t know for sure whether you are looking in their eyes.
Stretching
Some of us with social anxiety can get extreme tension when anxious (neck, shoulders etc). If this happens it sometimes helps to gently twist or stretch your neck, or to gently “shake out your shoulders”. Just gently stretching your legs or arms can also help. It can be done in ways that are socially acceptable, movement can help release some of the tension that builds. If you need – make an excuse for a comfort break or to fetch or look at something, anything which allows movement to change our state of mind.
Visualisation
Through regular practice, you may be able to use visualization when you really need it, such as when you start feeling anxious. See this article to get started Verywellmind.com – visualization for relaxation
Focus of attention
Try to concentrate fully and completely on the social (or public) task in hand. Be “mindful” and “present”. Your focus should be on the situation, not your anxiety. For example, really listen to what others are saying, ask open and relevant questions to show your interest (see our page on listening and conversation skills). The more you focus on the situation and people – rather than your anxiety – the more your anxiety should diminish.
Please see our page on focus of attention.
Mindfulness
If you’re mindful, you’re not thinking about the past or the future, you’re just focused on what’s happening right now – more helpful or positive aspects of the moment – not on your own anxiety feelings. Strive to be an active listener, ask open and relevant questions to show your interest. If you are eating or drinking, really concentrate on tasting the drink and savouring the food. The more you focus on the situation and people – rather than your anxiety – the more your anxiety should diminish. Stay totally “present in the conversation” without judging the other people or yourself. Read more on Mindfulness page.
Self-compassion
Try and be gentle and forgiving of yourself as you learn. Try to accept situations, and the anxiety that comes with them, with a more self-compassionate and experimental mindset. Part of this mindset is that as we try new things, both positive and negative results are equally valid and equally important. They let you what know which calming, behavioural and acceptance techniques work for you. Getting better from social anxiety is a journey, self-compassion can be part of that journey.
Take a break if you need
Take a short walk or a toilet break. Moving helps dispel adrenaline and cortisol – the fear hormones. Try to be “mindful” as you walk, appreciate your new perspective. Try to concentrate on your steps, notice their rhythm, how it feels to put your foot on the ground and lift it again. Rejoin the situation with a renewed focus on fully engaging with the people you are with (not the anxiety).
Where you can – and if appropriate – tell the person you are with
Coping with intense social anxious thoughts, feelings, and symptoms is really hard (see fight or flight response). It is even harder if you have to hide your feelings and pretend everything is ok when it really is not. Where you can – and where appropriate – you might want to tell the people you are with. There are pros and cons so think carefully. See our article on to tell or not to tell (about your social anxiety.
Remember you are not alone
Although it may feel like you’re the only one who gets socially anxious, the reality is there are millions of us in the UK alone. That means if you’re in some type of gathering, chances are there will be other people around you who are uncomfortable. Look around, you may not be the only one that is quiet or nervous or withdrawn. Even if you feel alone, nearby—whether at work or in your neighbourhood—there is likely one of the 12% of people who experience some degree of social anxiety, along with millions of others who experience even more extreme feelings.
Please see MIND’s pages on:
MIND on Anxiety
MIND on Anxiety and panic attacks
Please also see NO PANIC website:
www.nopanic.org.uk
