When we feel socially anxious, we become very focused on how we are appearing to others. We scan the room looking for signs of threat and disapproval, signs we might have slipped up and are at risk for rejection. We try to seek comfort in signs of approval, smiles, head nods, laughs and so on. Having social anxiety can be exhausting, watching for the nuances, norms and dynamics of a social group so we can match our behaviour to fit and ultimately avoid being rejected.
Social anxiety can become problematic when it begins to interfere with the life you want to live. And this happens when your fear of rejection becomes intertwined with your view of yourself. When you believe you will be rejected because you think you have some inherent flaw, deficiency or failing of character.
Question your assumptions
People with social anxiety have a strong fear of rejection and judgement, so they might overestimate how likely this is to happen to them. Try to remember that you could be projecting your own fears. Are you mind-reading, or assuming you know what others are thinking? For example, do you really know that that person yawned because you were boring them, or could it have been because they didn’t have much sleep last night?
There is also the ‘spotlight effect’ where we think we are being watched more closely by others than we are. Ask yourself if you really have evidence that you are being judged or at risk of being rejected? Ask yourself if you scrutinise others as intensely as you think they may be scrutinising you? See our section on countering negative thinking for more advice on this.
You could also do experiments, so, rather than looking for signs of rejection, you choose to actively look for evidence that people are responding positively. Even if it seems flimsy or silly at first, see what you can notice – a smile, a nod, a helpful comment or question – write it down so you can remind yourself that perhaps you are coming across better than you think.
Accept uncertainty
A lot of the time, you won’t know exactly what others are thinking. For people with social anxiety, there is often a temptation to try and figure it out. But accepting the uncertainty about how you are being perceived rather than constantly trying to analyse the minutiae of interactions can be liberating.
Self-compassion
Treat yourself with compassion. Small missteps and awkwardness are a frequent part of social interactions, and others may be less aware of them or more forgiving than you think. It is a part of authentic human interactions: everyone makes small mistakes, says something they didn’t quite mean, or stumbles at times. Ask yourself if you would judge someone else as harshly as you are judging yourself?
If you still think you are being judged negatively
There are times people do make judgments about others, although perhaps less critically and consistently than we imagine. We are social creatures, and it makes sense to pay attention to the behaviour of others at times, although this depends on the situation, the people and the relationship in question.
Learn to distinguish between useful and unhelpful judgement and feedback
Learning not to treat all judgement and feedback as equally meaningful is an incredibly valuable skill. What is more, you can learn to develop confidence and resilience, so that even if you are sometimes judged, you know you can handle it.
Some judgements may be unfair, superficial, uninformed, or unhelpful. They may say more about the person making the judgement than you. If this happens, you can do your best to hold it in perspective and not take it to heart. Try not to give too much weight to someone else’s fleeting opinion – they may not know you well or understand where you are coming from. You don’t have to give them the power to determine how you feel about yourself. For example, someone might not understand why you are having difficulty contributing to a conversation. They don’t know your personal history, why you are struggling, how far you have come to be there, or how much courage you are showing – perhaps this is something that has never been an issue for them. You can still recognise this as progress for yourself, even if others cannot.
But remember as well that there are times when feedback can be constructive, even if it’s uncomfortable. In this case, you can learn from the useful aspects of it and discard what you find unhelpful.
Consider your environment
We may occasionally find ourselves in a critical and judgemental environment. In this case, it might be worth thinking about how this is contributing to how you feel, and whether it’s possible to change things. Not all environments and people are the same – if you can find a more positive and accepting place to be – socially or at work – it can make all the difference.
If you actually are rejected
Remember that rejection happens to everyone. Everyone, no matter how clever, talented, charismatic or attractive they are has a story about being turned down for a job they wanted, rejected by a romantic partner, or by a friend or even by a group of friends. While it never feels good, it is a part of life, and it doesn’t define who you are or your worth as a person. You may have just been unlucky, or perhaps there was a personality mismatch. Perhaps you could have behaved differently (or perhaps not – perhaps you did your absolute best) but even so, this does not mean that you will always be rejected. Again, try to give yourself as much understanding and compassion as you can – imagine what you would say to a friend who was in the same position e.g. that you truly can’t win them all and part of social anxiety progress is learning new and positive ways to cope with any setbacks.
Conclusion
People vary a lot. Some may judge you unfairly, but others will not. You may – if you have social anxiety – be over-sensitive to the possibility of this happening, so look for the positives in interactions. But even if you do experience some judgement or rejection, it doesn’t have to define you, and you can develop the resilience to handle it.
See this YouTube video: TED talk on “Fear of rejection” by Fallon Goodman
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