When you feel socially anxious, you may become very focused on how you are appearing to others. You scan the room looking for signs of threat and disapproval, signs you might have slipped up and are at risk of rejection. You may try to seek comfort in signs of approval, smiles, head nods, laughs and so on. Having social anxiety can be exhausting, watching for the nuances, norms and dynamics of a social group so you can match your behaviour to fit in and ultimately avoid being rejected.
Social anxiety can become problematic when it begins to interfere with the life you want to live. And this happens when your fear of rejection becomes intertwined with your view of yourself. When you believe you will be rejected because you think you have some inherent flaw, deficiency or failing of character.
Note: the above text is adapted from a talk by Fallon Goodman – for full video see: TED talk on “Fear of rejection” by Fallon Goodman
There can be many things to think about when it comes to a fear of rejection and it’s important to consider whether you really are being judged negatively or about to be rejected – as objectively as possible:
Question your assumptions
People with social anxiety have a strong fear of rejection and judgement, so they might sometimes overestimate how likely this is to happen to them. Try to remember that you might be projecting some of your own fears, thoughts and anxieties onto the situation. Are you mind-reading, or assuming you know what others are thinking? For example, do you really know that that person yawned because you were boring them, or could it have been because they didn’t have much sleep last night?
There is also the ‘spotlight effect’ where you think you are being watched more closely by others than you really are. Ask yourself if you really have evidence that you are being judged or at risk of being rejected? Ask yourself if you scrutinise others as intensely as you think they may be scrutinising you? See our section on countering negative thinking for more advice on this.
You could also do real-world experiments, so, rather than looking for signs of rejection, you choose to actively look for evidence that people are responding positively. Even if it seems flimsy or silly at first, see what you can notice – a smile, a nod, a helpful comment or question – write it down so you can remind yourself that perhaps you are coming across better than you think.
Accept some uncertainty
For people with social anxiety, there is often a temptation to try to work out exactly what other people are thinking – to monitor their reactions and body language in order to guess what is going through their minds. However, this monitoring can take you away from fully interacting, listening and being part of what’s really going on i.e. the conversation or task at hand. Accepting some uncertainty about how you are being perceived, whether one-to-one or in a group, is generally more helpful than trying to analyse the minutiae of each interaction.
Self-compassion
Treat yourself with compassion. Small mistakes and awkwardness are a frequent part of social interactions, and others may be less aware of them or more forgiving than you think. It is a common part of human communication that people make small mistakes, say something they didn’t quite mean, or stumble over their words at times. Ask yourself – would you judge someone else as harshly as you are judging yourself?
If you think you are being judged negatively
There may be times when people do make judgments about others, although perhaps less critically and consistently than you imagine. We are social creatures, and it makes sense to pay attention to the behaviour of others at times. We cannot be liked by everyone – but the truth, depth and longevity of any perceived (or real) negativity depend so much on the situation, people and relationships in question. It’s not always black and white and it can hard to be objective when feelings and emotions can run so deep. It can often help to talk to others for a different perspective on what may have happened – or it can often help to just write things down – see the worksheets within the page challenging negative thoughts and beliefs.
Learn to distinguish between unhelpful judgement and feedback
Learning not to treat all judgement and feedback as equally meaningful is a valuable skill. Over time, you can learn to develop confidence and resilience, so that even if you are sometimes judged (or misjudged) you know how to handle it better. Some judgements may be unfair, superficial, uninformed, or unhelpful. They may say more about the person making the judgement than you. If this happens, you can do your best to hold it in perspective and not take it to heart.
Try not to give too much weight to someone else’s opinion. They may not know you well or understand where you are coming from. You don’t have to give them the power to determine how you feel about yourself. For example, someone might not understand why you are having difficulty contributing to a conversation. They don’t know your personal history, why you are struggling, how far you have come to be there, or how much courage you are showing. Perhaps social anxiety has never been an issue for them. You can still recognise this as progress for yourself, even if others cannot.
But remember as well that there may be times when feedback can be constructive, even if it’s uncomfortable. In this case, you can learn from the useful aspects of it and discard what doesn’t build on your journey of personal growth or social anxiety recovery.
Consider your environment
You may occasionally find yourself in a critical and judgemental environment. In this case, it might be worth thinking about how this is contributing to how you feel, and whether it’s possible to change things. If you can find a more positive and accepting place to be – socially or at work – it can make all the difference.
If you actually are rejected
Remember that rejection happens to everyone. Everyone, no matter how clever, talented, charismatic or attractive they are has a story about being turned down for a job they wanted, rejected by a romantic partner, or by a friend or even by a group of friends. While it never feels good, it is a part of life, and it doesn’t have to define who you are, or your worth as a person. You may have just been unlucky, or perhaps there was a personality mismatch. Perhaps you could have behaved differently (or perhaps not – perhaps you did your absolute best) but even so, this does not mean that you will always be rejected. Again, try to give yourself as much understanding and compassion as you can – imagine what you would say to a friend who was in the same position e.g. that you truly can’t win them all and part of social anxiety progress is learning new and positive ways to cope with any setbacks.
Conclusion
People vary a lot. Some may judge you unfairly, but others will not. You may – if you have social anxiety – be over-sensitive to the possibility of this happening, so look for the positives in interactions. But even if you do experience some judgement or rejection, it doesn’t have to define you, and you can develop the resilience to handle it.
See this YouTube video: TED talk on “Fear of rejection” by Fallon Goodman
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