Conversation Skills

Do I need to learn and practice conversation skills?

No – it’s entirely up to you. Many people with social anxiety have great conversational skills. In general, there is no need to change “us”, or how we speak. However, anxiety can affect our brains in unusual ways, sometimes masking our natural ability to communicate.

Sometimes it is just useful to have a gentle reminder of good conversational practice – so we have skills to use when anxiety is high.

Listening Skills

Don’t forget a key part of conversation is actually the ability to listen. Strive to be an active listener. Ask open and relevant questions to show your interest. The more you focus on the situation and people – rather than your anxiety – the more your anxiety should diminish.

Why people with social anxiety may struggle with communicating

• Persistent negative thoughts, fear of negative judgement and worrying about what to say can make it harder for conversations to flourish.
• It can be hard to think/speak fluently and freely when your mind is racing.
• It can feel hard to make conversation if you think you aren’t good at it.

How people struggle conversationally

Communication is more than just the words we speak. It’s about the ways we say them, our tone, our intonation, our posture, facial expressions and body language.

When you have social anxiety you may:
– struggle to start or continue a conversation
– have closed body language
– be quiet and miss opportunities to speak through worry
– be unassertive, passive or monotonic
– stick to “safe” subjects and avoid telling others about yourself
– struggle with fluency (being unable to get the words out!)
– rehearse things in your head before saying them
– feel rushed and speak too fast
– find it hard to change subject
– feel you have nothing to talk about
– struggle to laugh or join in

Talking to a group and talking one to one

Everyone’s social anxiety is different. Some will find talking to groups (even very small groups) much harder, others actually find the one-to-one conversations the hardest. Social anxiety is sometimes very context specific – the level of anxiety actual driven by who is there or how many there are. A relatively low anxiety situation may change quickly depending who arrives.

Improving conversational skills

Conversing is a skill, just like so many things; the more you do it, the better you will get. You can start conversations almost anywhere – waiting in line at the grocery store, walking in a park, or grabbing a drink at your local coffee shop

As we emphasised before socially anxious people are generally as skilled as anyone else at making conversation but may find it helpful to have tips to fall back on when feeling anxious.

There are many internet sites that give conversation tips and tricks, please have a look at some of the tips below and the links at the bottom of this article.

• Practise making small talk – Small talk refers to the informal, polite, light conversations people have when they don’t know each other well (or at all). Although they seem inconsequential they’re an important way to make connections, build rapport, and nurture relationships. Try talking about ordinary things going on in your life, the weather, the news, local surroundings etc. Please see some of the links at the foot of our conversation skills page.
• Listening Skills – Don’t forget a key part of conversation is actually the ability to listen. Strive to be an active listener. Ask open and relevant questions to show your interest. The more you focus on the situation and people – rather than your anxiety – the more your anxiety should diminish.
• Allow some silence – Remember you don’t have to fill every second with talk, being comfortable with silence, allowing small gaps to rest or reflect, is one of the hallmarks of easy interaction and connection.
• Don’t dwell on mistakes. Sometimes we may misspeak, dry up, lose fluency, or look anxious. Try not to dwell these things – they happen to everyone at times and no one will remember these slip-ups in a few days time. Focus on connection, not perfection.
• Share something about yourself – this can help build bonds. Share something about your hobbies or other interest
• Use open questions – these start with “what,” “why,” “when,” “where,” or “who” rather than questions that invite “yes” or “no” answers. They encourage the other person to give you longer answers, which makes it easier to keep the conversation going.
• Learn some conversation starters – having a few topics in mind before meeting someone can make you feel less on the spot. Try focusing on more general topics, things in the news, your immediate surroundings, what’s happening in your life and theirs right now, avoid niche areas. See the links relating to conversation starters at the foot of the page.
• Let conversations change and move on – although it can be good to have some conversation topics in mind its equally important to just go with the flow. Listen to what the other person says, ask relevant questions, don’t have too much of a scripted plan as it makes conversation a little unnatural if done too often.
• If talking to a group – for many of us with social anxiety it is tempting to watch for everyone’s reaction as we speak – watching for signs of disapproval. However, it is often better to just reply (and look at) the person that initiated your response, try and talk to that one person, not the group. This may help focus your mind on words, the actual conversation and interaction, not on your anxiety level or what others may be thinking.
• If talking one-to-one – this can be hardest for some people. Sometimes the physical proximity or “intensity” of a one-to-one situation may mean that you are all the more aware of how you may appear to the other person. The social anxiety may vary depending on who you are with. You may even feel more responsible for the way conversation flows – but – remember conversation is very much a 2-way street. Be interested in the other person, the conversation itself, not your anxiety. Practicing with exposure therapies and hierarchies may mean you can slowly build up to different types of conversation, people or situation.
• Remember – even if you feel anxiety, it helps to focus on the situation and conversation itself, not on how you may appear to others or feel inside.

For some it can help to practise conversation and small talk with social anxiety peers in support groups. Being with others who share similar problems can be very helpful.