Conversation Skills

Do I need to learn and practise conversation skills?

No – it’s entirely up to you. Many people with social anxiety have great conversational skills. In general, there is no need to change who you are or how you speak. However, anxiety can affect your thinking and speech in unusual ways, sometimes masking your natural ability to communicate well (see fight-or-flight response).

Sometimes it is just helpful to have a gentle reminder of good conversational skills and habits – so you have some extra tools to use when anxiety is high. Try to make sure that these tips do not become new safety behaviours e.g. “too much listening” or asking “too many” questions in ways that stop you speaking yourself.

Listening Skills and Focus of Attention

Don’t forget a key part of conversation is actually the ability to listen. Strive to be an active listener. Ask open and relevant questions to show your interest. The more you focus on the situation and conversation – rather than your anxiety – the more your anxiety should diminish. See our pages on focus of attention.

Why people with social anxiety may struggle with communicating

• Persistent negative thoughts, fear of negative judgement and worrying about what to say can make it harder for conversations to flow
• It can be hard to think/speak fluently and freely when your mind is racing
• It can feel hard to make conversation if you already feel you aren’t good at it
• If avoidance has been significant, you may feel ‘out of practice’ from lack of exposure

How people struggle conversationally

Communication is more than just the words you speak. It’s about the ways you say them, your tone of voice, your intonation, your body language (facial expressions, eye contact, gestures, posture etc).

When you have social anxiety you may:
• struggle to start or continue a conversation
• have closed body language
• be quiet and miss opportunities to speak through worry
• be unassertive, passive or monotonic
• stick to “safe” subjects and avoid telling others about yourself
• struggle with fluency (being unable to get the words out!)
• rehearse things in your head before saying them
• feel rushed and speak too fast
• find it hard to change subject
• feel you have nothing to talk about
• struggle to laugh or join in

Talking to a group and talking one to one

Everyone’s social anxiety is different. Some will find talking within groups (even very small groups) the most difficult, for others it’s the one-to-one conversations that are the hardest. Social anxiety is sometimes context-specific with the level of social anxiety dependent on exactly who is there (acquaintances, friends, strangers, managers or different personality types etc). A relatively low anxiety situation may change quickly depending on who else arrives.

Improving conversational skills

Conversing is a skill, just like so many things; the more you do it, the better you will get. You can begin to practise “small talk” type conversations almost anywhere – waiting in a queue at a shop, walking in a park, public transport, or grabbing a drink at your local coffee shop.

Socially anxious people are generally as skilled as anyone else at making conversation but may find it helpful to have tips to fall back on when feeling anxious.

There are many internet sites that give conversation tips and tricks, please see the tips below and further links at the bottom of this article.

Practise making small talk – Small talk refers to the informal, polite, light conversations people have when they don’t know each other well (or at all). Although they seem inconsequential they’re an important way to make connections, build rapport, and nurture relationships. Try talking about ordinary things going on in your life, the weather, the news, local surroundings etc.
Listening Skills – Don’t forget a key part of conversation is actually the ability to listen. Strive to be an active listener. Ask open and relevant questions to show your interest. The more you focus on the situation and people – rather than your anxiety – the more your anxiety should diminish.
Allow some silence – Remember you don’t have to fill every second with talk, being comfortable with silence, allowing small gaps to rest or reflect, is one of the hallmarks of easy interaction and connection.
Don’t dwell on mistakes – Sometimes yoy may misspeak, dry up, lose fluency, or look anxious. Try not to dwell on these things. They happen to everyone occasionally and, in general, no one will remember these slip-ups in a few days time. Focus on connection, not perfection.
Share something about yourself – This can help build bonds and sometimes lead to finding shared hobbies or other interests. Perhaps you might share what you are doing at the weekend, a new hobby or what you watched on TV last night.
Try humour – Try and be a little more playful, humorous. Gentle humour (you don’t have to tell a joke or act the fool) can help relax you and those around you.
Use open questions – use questions like “what did you think of….” or “how is it going with….” rather than closed questions that invite “yes” or “no” answers. They encourage the other person to give you longer answers, which makes it easier to keep the conversation going.
Learn some conversation starters – Having a few topics in mind before meeting someone can make you feel less on the spot. Try focusing on more general topics, things in the news, your immediate surroundings, what’s happening in your life and theirs right now. See succeedsocially.com – starting conversations and other links at the foot of the page.
Go with the flow – Listen to what the other person says, ask relevant questions, don’t have too much of a scripted plan as it makes conversation a little unnatural if done too often.
If talking to a group – For many with social anxiety it is tempting to watch for everyone’s reaction and behaviours – can the others see your anxiety? Are there signs of disapproval or rejection? However, it is often better to focus on whats actualy being said. If asked a question, respond to that one person, not the group. This may help focus your mind on the actual conversation and interaction, not on your anxiety level or what others may be thinking.
If talking one-to-one – Sometimes the physical proximity of a one-to-one situation may mean that you are all the more aware of how you may appear to the other person. You may feel more responsible for the way conversation flows – but – remember conversation is very much a two-way street. Be interested in the other person, the conversation itself, not your anxiety. Practising with behavioural experiments and exposure therapies and hierarchies may help build up confidence in the situations you find challenging.
Be Authentic – Try and express honest and real opinions (where appropriate and not rude or offensive to others). Learning it is safe and positive to say what you really think can give you a sense of self-empowerment and lead to more genuine friendships, opportunities and connections. You can start with small changes such as expressing an opinion to someone you trust and gradually learn to share more about your yourself with them, and then others.
Consider Support Groups and forums – Sometimes it can help to practice skills with others who understand how you feel. See our pages on support groups and forums.