Although Christmas and New Year are traditionally a time for celebrations with friends and family, it can also be a difficult time of year. People who have high levels of social anxiety may find it tough, as the higher number of parties and social events can be overwhelming. For those without family, friends or invitations it can feel very lonely with FOMO at its height.

Social anxiety disorder is the anxiety felt at the possibility of scrutiny and negative judgment from others. While many people experience this at times, some struggle with it more regularly and intensely. Perhaps you have an invite to the work Christmas party, or a reunion with rarely seen friends and relatives. For some, meeting up with close family can trigger rising anxiety levels. But whatever the situations you find the most challenging, try some of our tips below to help you manage and enjoy the festive season.

One step at a time

Generally speaking, avoiding anxiety-provoking social situations is not a good idea. In the long-term avoidance can worsen social anxiety as you never get the chance to practice new skills or allow positive things to happen. That said, you don’t necessarily have to throw yourself in at the deep end. You can start by doing things you find slightly difficult and then build up to those you find more anxiety-provoking – see exposure-therapy-and-hierarchies.

Rather than not go at all, you could start with the idea of going to a party and introducing yourself to just one or two new people, finding out something new about someone you already know, staying a little longer than you normally might. The situations that are most challenging varies from person to person, so you can decide what you would like to work up to and take it one small step at a time.

Saying No when you need

It’s ok and sometimes necessary to sometimes say no. But think about your reasons. Would I really like to this event but just letting social anxiety stop me? If the latter is the case, consider trying some of the other suggestions below to help you manage it and hopefully go and enjoy yourself.

Prepare some small talk

You could think about a few conversation-starters beforehand, such as topical events, sports or other easy but interesting things you can talk to most people about.

Relaxation before hand

Being able to physically relax before an anxiety-provoking event can put you in a more positive frame of mind. There are many different forms available, whether it’s visualisation, breathing exercises, or meditation.

Outward Focus

One of the main features of social anxiety is excessive self-focus, or becoming overly aware of what you are saying and how you may look to other people. This can worsen nerves and make it harder to fully participate in social events. If you find this happening, make a conscious effort to refocus your attention on the people you’re with and what they are saying. Being able to listen is a valuable skill, and it will also help you to engage more actively in social situations, and respond more spontaneously to the conversation ebbs and flows.

Conversation starters

Many people with social anxiety have great conversational skills. In general, there is no need to change ‘us’ or how we speak. However, anxiety can affect our brains in unusual ways, sometimes masking our natural ability to communicate. So much of connecting with people is asking the right questions, showing genuine interest, even knowing how to start and end a conversation – if it might make you feel more confident, see conversation skills and the website succeedsocially.com

Quieten the inner critic

People with social anxiety tend to have a harsh inner critic that likes to point out how badly they are doing, and everything that could possibly go wrong. When you are feeling very nervous, the critic may feel impossible to ignore, but it’s often just a misguided attempt by your overactive mind to try and keep you safe.

Try and focus on the positives, such as the fact that you’re there and interacting at all. Remember that most people don’t remember our small mistakes, or our nervousness. They are generally too busy thinking about themselves and how they are coming across. Remember that your inner critic is not always telling you the truth!

Take a short break if you need

It can help to accept there may be times when you are quite anxious. It’s the very nature of the condition. If you get anxious it’s ok to have a moment’s respite – go outside or take a comfort break. Don’t fight the anxiety; accept it may come and go. After any break, try the various techniques below for new ways to re-engage.

Resist the temptation to self-medicate

When alcohol is such a feature of Christmas social gatherings, it’s tempting to use it to quell those nerves. But any form of self-medication is really another form of avoidance, and in the long run can just make anxiety worse (not to mention the ‘What-did-I- say-last-night?’ hangxiety the next day). It’s best to keep consumption to moderate levels and learn that actually, you are capable of managing well and having a good time without it.

Try not to compare yourself to others

At Christmas people may pretend to be happier than they really are – and more confident than they really feel.

Taking the pressure off

If you are finding it difficult, acknowledging how you feel may help take the pressure off a bit, so that you are no longer trying so hard to conceal your nerves. You could mention that you are feeling a bit anxious or comment that you don’t know many people. People are drawn to authenticity, and you may be surprised how many people tell you that they are feeling the same or at least understand.

Find time for enjoyment

Remember to enjoy yourself where and when you can, it can be so easy to get lost in social anxiety thoughts and feelings, concentrating on “surviving” rather than enjoyment. Take pleasure in any small wins like a new acquaintance or connection, laughter, a new skill you have learnt to use for the next social event. Take time to really savour any food or drink.

It really is ok to go when you have done enough

Avoidance is one thing, but remember there can be a happy medium, where you go and take part as much as you can. You don’t necessarily have stay to very end. If you have done enough, for you, it can be ok to make a polite excuse and leave a little early.

If this Christmas is hard for you

If you are lonely, or struggling with your social anxiety, try to use this Christmas as a chance to develop new ways of challenging your social anxiety – join an online social anxiety group like the SAUK discussion board, Walk the Talk or Yasmin’s social anxiety Facebook group where you can chat about social anxiety with those that understand

Related internet articles

BBC Article – Christmas: A social anxiety minefield
BBC Science Focus – How to beat social anxiety and actually enjoy your office Christmas party

Finding help

Although it may be difficult, the growth, freedom and improved self-confidence that come from pushing through your fears will be worth it. Be pleased with any progress that you make. Every journey begins with small steps, and it’s important to give yourself credit for small wins, even if you think they are things that others find easy.

The good news is that social anxiety disorder can be treated and can respond well to therapy. There are several different ways to access support and treatment for social anxiety including self-help and What the NHS Offers.

Emergency Help

If you need urgent support, please contact the Samaritans 24 hour support line on 116 123 or see our Getting help in a crisis page.