It can be much harder to make friends and connections when you have social anxiety. You may have a very limited social circle to start with or find that the very activities where you might make friends – like coffee or lunch or groups – are the very things you find hardest to do.

Everyone with SA is different so the ideas below are just that – some starting points that might help. Some ways to meet people will be harder than others. It helps to educate yourself about social anxiety, and the things that are hard for you, is it large groups, small talk, or meeting new people? The more you know, the better equipped you’ll be to handle it. Learning about social anxiety can empower you to take control of your social experiences, rather than letting anxiety dictate your actions.

When you are starting out – set small goals

Remember building new connections is a skill, just like so many things. The more you do it, the better you will get. You can start conversations almost anywhere – waiting in line at the grocery store, walking in a park, or grabbing a drink at your local coffee shop.

Building small, day to day, connections can be just as difficult, and important as making friends.

Iy may be better not to jump in at the deep end. If interacting with others is still very difficult start with smaller goals to make the process less overwhelming. Make a list of some smaller things that are slightly challenging, but doable, for you e.g.

• say hi to someone in a queue
• in a group, just say hi to person nearest you
• introduce yourself, or just hi to one new person a day (you could ask the time? or how to get somewhere?)
• if there is someone you think could be a connection or friend, start slowly – how are they feeling today, do they come here often?
• make eye contact (if that feels hard look at the middle of their face – they won’t know exactly where you look)
• remember to listen carefully and use good body language

Much of friendship building relies on building connections from these kinds of small starts.
For more help on introductions and keeping conversation going see our page on conversation skills (add link)

Set realistic targets
You don’t have to turn a connection into a friend in one meeting. Yes sometimes you only get one chance like meeting whilst travelling, but more generally, these things take time.

You may need to breakdown connection and friendship into smaller components.

• If meeting a new person – or group – you might want to set a time limit, for instance you could say “I can probably only stay an hour because….”
• If there comes a point when you would like to leave it is usually ok to make a gentle excuse, such as “it’s been great, but I really must go, I have a few things I need to do”
• If going to a new activity you might – the first time – just watch and see how many people go or what’s involved, the next time you may challenge yourself to say hi to at least one new person – or just do one small thing before building up to the full activity.
• If you find just “sitting” with someone for coffee or food too hard – suggest doing an activity or a walk with a takeaway coffee or snack in a park.

Develop connections with those you regularly see

• It is easier to feel comfortable around people who you regularly see or who you share circumstances with. Asking a neighbour or coworker to coffee or lunch may be easier than trying to make friends with a complete stranger.

Suggest a new activity

To make new connections we may need to do new things

• If you are comfortable with a friend or acquaintance, see if they would be willing for a third person to join you
• Suggest a new activity, something you enjoy

Be Yourself

Where appropriate, try and express honest and real opinions. Learning it is safe and positive to do so can give you a sense of self-empowerment and lead to more genuine friendships, opportunities and connections. Please see our pages on how to increase self-esteem.

Say yes to invitations

• If someone invites you to something, generally try to say yes. This helps demonstrate that you want to pursue friendships. Even if the event involves some anxiety and you leave partway through, it is usually good practice and will benefit you in the long run. If you need to say no, please see our page on assertion skills

Take every opportunity to practise social skills
You won’t make friends with everyone straight away but by practising activities that gently push your social anxiety boundaries you will develop new skills, new ways of interacting in general. See exposure therapy and hierarchies

Consider joining clubs or groups that align with your interests.

• Shared activities provide a natural way to interact with others. Whether it’s a book club, a hiking group, watching or playing sport, a cooking class, finding common ground can make conversations flow more easily. There is also less pressure to constantly interact as everyone will be focused on what’s already going on.
• See adult education, weekend or evening classes that may run as part of local council, college or education services.

Online communities/apps

• Online apps like Meetup and Bumble can be a way to find new friends. They can also relieve anxiety as there is less pressure to respond immediately and you can get to know the other people before meeting in person.
• See the social anxiety discussion board at discussion board at SAUK.

Volunteer for local charities or events in your area.

• These are generally low-pressure situations with friendly people and can be particularly useful as if you are feeling anxious you can focus on the work.

Conversation skills
Conversation can be key to building connections and friendships. Please see our page on conversation skills.

Be mindful of your body language

• Your body language can leave a lasting impression on other people. Avoid looking disinterested, closed off or ending up distant from a group. Try and stay in touch, talk to the people near you, even just a few words, to show you are still engaged and interested. Using open, approachable body language – even if you feel nervous inside – can make you feel more confident and encourage others to build connections with you.

Consider telling your closer connections about your social anxiety

• This is a really personal decision, there are pros and cons, but letting other people know more about you can help them understand why you may act in certain ways. They may appreciate your openness about something important to you. See our page on “to tell or not to tell” (page in development)

Focus on other people

• Focusing on other people will naturally distract you from your own anxieties. Try setting yourself goals during conversations, such as trying to find out 3 new things about a coworker over lunch or offer to help someone solve a problem.

Celebrate small victories

• Practice makes perfect but it takes time. Each person you talk to or event you attend is progress and it is important to celebrate that and be proud of yourself. Even if you only attend half a party or leave early from an event, it is still progress and is worth doing.

Stay in touch and build connections

• In order for a connection and friendship to grow, it is important to re-connect. This can be as simple as saying hello, or brief chat, just to re-establish a connection from a previous encounter.
• Asking someone for their contact information might way feel difficult but try and make it sound as natural as possible. You might say “shall we swap numbers”, “shall we stay in touch”, or “are you on facebook”, whatever feels most comfortable for you. Staying in touch can mean anything from sending a text, messaging on social media or catching up over coffee.

Please also see these international links:

www.verywellmind.com – How to make friends when you have social anxiety

www.verywellmind.com – How to socialise when you have social anxiety disorder

www.socialself.com – How to make friends when you have social anxiety