How to talk to someone with social anxiety

Those with social anxiety do not always need to be treated differently, and it is usually best to chat to them as you would with any other person. But, if you happen to know they have social anxiety in a given context, or notice they are struggling, extra sensitivity to their needs can help build connection and better conversation.

We list some strategies that may help:

Learn about social anxiety

Social anxiety is more than shyness, it significantly impacts people’s daily lives. Educating yourself about the condition and how it affects people’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviours can help you to be more aware of what the other person is going through. Check out our page What is SA – Find out more for more information on the disorder.

Build connection

People with social anxiety may be hesitant to talk about themselves, fearing judgement or unwelcome attention. If asking questions doesn’t seem to be working, consider sharing your own stories, thoughts, and interests first – and then bringing the socially anxious person into the conversation.

Avoid criticism or judgement

A person’s social anxiety is sometimes associated with a belief that other people are watching or judging them. Being judgemental or critical can reinforce these negative beliefs and worsen their anxiety. Even well-intentioned comments about their mistakes, quietness, or lack of fluency can be difficult for someone with social anxiety. If feedback is necessary, approach it gently and balance it with positive comments.

Offer encouragement

Providing words of encouragement and offering sincere compliments can instil confidence and challenge negative self-beliefs. You might say, “I really like what you said about…”, “Ooh I feel like this sometimes too”. These small gestures of support can make a significant difference in helping someone with social anxiety to feel more comfortable.

Ask open ended questions

Asking open-ended questions about a person with social anxiety’s interests can be a great way to encourage conversation. Discussing topics that they’re passionate about is often easier than delving into personal or vulnerable subjects. Demonstrate your interest by using engaged body language and ask follow-up questions to show that you were actively listening.

Try not to ask entirely open questions like “Tell me about your life” or “Tell me what you’ve been up to” – they may seem easy but it’s a bit to vague and it can be hard for the other person to know where to start. It’s usually better to ask open questions about something you already know the person is interested in. We list some conversation starters and tips at our page conversation skills.

Respect Boundaries

Many people who suffer from social anxiety struggle with assertiveness. The fear of being perceived as pushy or selfish often leads to passive communication where individuals prioritize other people’s needs over their own. When asking questions or making suggestions, give some time so they can respond in the way they need.

While gentle encouragement to try a new activity can be beneficial, pressuring someone to participate in an activity they’re uncomfortable with can be overwhelming and may end up increasing the person’s anxiety.

Remember someone with social anxiety may need to work through graded exposure and hierarchies. Not every challenge or opportunity can be done straight away.

Be aware that if someone declines an invitation, it’s about managing their anxiety rather than rejecting you personally.

Be patient

Conversational situations can be very challenging for people with social anxiety. It is important to be patient – allow for pauses in conversation, give them time to formulate responses, and don’t interrupt them. They may take longer to open up than others, so your continued support is essential. Be mindful that they might need to take a step back when feeling overwhelmed – you could offer to take a walk or suggest a different activity to provide them with space when needed.

Understand the nuances of social anxiety

Social anxiety doesn’t always remain constant. The person’s social anxiety may, or may not, be restricted to certain types of scenarios. It may be better on some days than others. The things that trigger anxiety may be subtle. Another person joining your conversation can cause a person’s social anxiety to change. Even particular styles or topics of conversation can be a trigger (work talk, small talk, politics, humour etc). If a particular topic isn’t going well, try talking about something else to reduce the pressure the socially anxious person may be feeling.

Be mindful of eye contact and body language

Some people with social anxiety may find eye contact or body language difficult, especially when one to one or in enclosed group environments. If eye contact seems an issue try looking at the middle of someones face, rather than direct eye to eye contact. Don’t be alarmed if soemone’s body language feels unusual or closed, they may be nervous or trying to deal their own anxiety symptoms. Try to notice what conversational styles or subjects seem to help them relax – their body language is a usually a good indicator of how they feel inside.

Ask what to do next

When a conversation is drawing to an end, it’s often a good idea to ask, “What do you fancy doing next?” – try to tease out the things they feel comfortable and able to do. This is because some people with social anxiety are reluctant to express their needs and might worry you won’t agree, or their suggestion might not turn out well.

Don’t draw attention to their social anxiety

Be mindful when drawing attention to someone’s social anxiety, especially in group scenarios or with those you don’t know well enough to judge the right moment. Most people with social anxiety are all too aware of their own social anxiety symptoms (body language, blushing, being quiet, nervousness etc). Drawing attention to such things is normally counter-productive. It’s usually best to try to talk about other things unless the socially anxious person wants to talk (see below).

Bring them out of their anxiety

Social anxiety is not always visible, but for those experiencing it, the internal struggle can be overwhelming. A person may experience physical symptoms like a racing heart or muscle tension, as well as cognitive symptoms, making it difficult to speak or think clearly. When this happens, they may use their energy managing their symptoms instead of fully engaging in the conversation. If you sense that someone is feeling this way, you can try to bring them out of this anxious state. If you know them well, and if appropriate, you might gently ask, “Are you finding things difficult today?” (see section below). If this would feel intrusive, you could give them space to participate on their own terms by talking rather than asking questions. You could also ask simple questions to bring them into the conversation and show your interest through encouraging body language. If the person still seems uncomfortable, avoid pushing the conversation. Instead, consider suggesting a change of environment like going for a walk, stepping outside, or getting a drink. These small shifts may make the situation feel more manageable.

Talking about social anxiety

Once they feel more comfortable with you, they may want to talk about their social anxiety. You can encourage this by letting them know they can talk to you, or by gently bringing it up in a one-to-one setting when they seem ready.

It is important not to minimise what they tell you, even if their fears seem unrealistic to you. Social anxiety is real and impactful and discussing it requires the person to be vulnerable. Instead of dismissing their concerns with phrases like “It’s not a big deal”, offer empathetic and validating responses such as “I can see how that situation would make you feel this way” or “It’s okay to feel anxious”. This can help them to feel understood and less alone in their anxiety.

You could also help them to reframe their worries by asking reflective questions like “What do you fear might happen?”, “What would make it easier for you?”, or “Have you ever felt this way before and what happened then?”. This approach can encourage them to think critically about their worries, which can be more effective than simply offering reassurance.

Conclusion

It is important to remember that each person has a unique experience with social anxiety so you should not assume that you know their story or what’s best for them. Instead, listen carefully to what they have to say and how they’d like to be supported.

Finding further help

Be mindful of your own wellbeing and the limits of your support – it may be useful to encourage professional help, which is often the most effective way to address social anxiety. If this is something they’re anxious about, you could be there to listen to their concerns and, if appropriate, offer to assist them in arranging a doctor’s appointment. For more information, explore our page How to access therapy.